Deja Who

it’s getting difficult to feel okay.

“such a strain to remain so docile, though don’t you know it all takes its toll…

but I’ll keep it simple for obvious reasons” -sr

liquid.

to feel as though
you’re undefined
lost in thought
or lost your mind

to never hold
any shape or form
youll find calm
only in the eyes of storms

build it up
just to break it down
these words, these walls
..i’m beginning to drown

if your chest hurts.

she can sit there for hours
with a cup of coffee
and cigarette in hand

if you watched
[although she’d never let you]
you’d see her blowing silent smoke rings

and she’d contemplate the world
thinking thoughts she won’t remember
and stare into the distance

tomorrow’s always new to her
and today is always gone too fast

one last smoke ring
and one last sip of coffee

(but the coffee’s gone cold
and tomorrrow’s already here.)

trials[s] & error[s]

life’s a giant class
we’ll call it ‘living 101’

experiences, people, places
influence you
change you
and ultimitately
teach you
it’s not about the F’s last semester
[the broken pieces of your past]

this course, this neverending lesson, ‘Life 101’
is about right now
who you are today

and how you impact those around you

coffe is my only vice.

I’d like to say I’m sorry.
But we all know excuses
    won’t make it very far.
When the skeletons were found
We also found
     they had no spine.

And this shameful find
Leave’s me with an emotional fracture…
Something that can be fixed
     but still aches when the weather’s cold.
Which brings me to believe
This current state of semi-sunny skies
     is just a tease.

It’s a humbling moment when
We can’t even justify ourselves,
     let alone the affected ones.

…I’ll keep coffee as my only vice.

the starting line is underneath a ladder

“she said don’t change your mind
let’s leave this town behind
we’ll race right off this cliff
they will remember this”

Who are we to say
we can’t walk under ladders
merely hoping for a change
in luck.

Who started the common
belief that doing so would
only changes things
for the worse?

And at times I’d like to break
the mirrors that reflect
who I have become.

So who’s to say seven
years’ worth the worst of luck
would result from shattering
an image you’re not proud of?

I’ve been obstructed
by these ladders and mirrors

and I’m taking my chances 
at defying these myths,
desperate for any change.

“it all got so mundane
with you i’m back again
just take me by the hand
we’re close to the edge”

“the act becomes the art of growing up”

“You don’t recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets
barely whisper, “This is so messed up.”“

i’d love to make a big scene
and scream to everyone
‘it’s just not fair’
keeping at bay
the tumultuous objection is
facing all your stares

but who am i to care
of what innocent eyes
might see
the consequence, the shame
is left behind by you
for me

resilient, i will stay,
although now wary of honesty
and a little less naive
even the nicest,
good or forgiving
will find the soicism to leave

“So much more than he could ever give.
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He waits for it to end
and for the aching in his guts to subside.”

stage fright.

a fire ignites in
my stomach.
it slowly burns
and my skin
is flaming red.
i can feel my heartbeat
everywhere -
cracking my ribs,
inflating my head.
this shaky voice
sounds like
laughter/tears.
i need more air
to calm these fears.

the sky is falling

“Oh God, my mind is such a mess, but there’s these things I got to do. you were my friend, but now you’re taking off your clothes.”

 i’ve never been passive/reactive.
 i’m adaptive
 and obsessed with subjectivity.

with tongue in cheek and all due respect
verbatim won’t be enough.
trusting the heart
was self-inflicted injury;

to break is
“to reduce to pieces”

“That night you took away a little more than just my breath. 
I swear to God that I was thinking about the summer…
I don’t care if I will ever be the same.”

it’s when the apathy sets in
that i want to make a break for it

i wonder what the (breaking?) point is

it’s when the apathy sets in
that i don’t fear for broken hearts

it’s all a matter of time
before things fall apart

i don’t worry for the future —
can only go up from here

apathy’s a fog
and i don’t hope for it to clear